Crabbit old Woman and Nurses reply. Poem

"Crabbit Old Woman"

What do you see, what do you see?

Are you thinking, when you look at me-

A crabbit old woman, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice,

I do wish you'd try.

Who seems not to notice the things that you do

And forever is loosing a stocking or shoe.

Who, unresisting or not; lets you do as you will

With bathing and feeding the long day is fill.

Is that what you're thinking, Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse, you're looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still!

As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of 10 with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters, who loved one another-

A young girl of 16 with wings on her feet,

Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet,

A bride soon at 20- my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At 25 now I have young of my own

Who need me to build a secure happy home;

A woman of 30, my young now grow fast,

Bound to each other with ties that should last;

At 40, my young sons have grown and are gone,

But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn;

At 50 once more babies play around my knee,

Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,

I look at the future, I shudder with dread,

For my young are all rearing young of their own.

And I think of the years and the love that I've known;

I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel-

Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,

There is now a stone where I once had a heart,

But inside this old carcass, a young girl still dwells,

And now and again my battered heart swells,

I remember the joy, I remember the pain,

And I'm loving and living life over again.

I think of the years all too few- gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last-

So open your eyes, nurse, open and see,

Not a crabbit old woman, look closer-

See Me.

A Nurse's reply

"To the 'Crabbit Old Woman"

What do we see, you ask, what do we see?

Yes, we are thinking when looking at thee! We may seem to be hard when we hurry and fuss, But there's many of you, and too few of us.

We would like far more time to sit by you and talk, To bath you and feed you and help you to walk. To hear of your lives and the things you have done; Your childhood, your husband, your daughter, your son.

But time is against us, there's too much to do -Patients too many, and nurses too few. We grieve when we see you so sad and alone, With nobody near you, no friends of your own.

We feel all your pain, and know of your fear That nobody cares now your end is so near.

But nurses are people with feelings as well, And when we're together you'll often hear tell Of the dearest old Gran in the very end bed, And the lovely old Dad, and the things that he said.

We speak with compassion and love, and feel sad When we think of your lives and the joy that you've had, When the time has arrived for you to depart, You leave us behind with an ache in our heart.

When you sleep the long sleep, no more worry or care, There are other old people, and we must be there. 

So please understand if we hurry and fuss -There are many of you, And so few of us.

New placement, Sadness, Worries, Hard work, Stress, Early mornings and Long days

So on Monday I started my new 6wk placement, it is a hard place to work in, I def think this is the placement that can make or break a person...I have shed a few tears already, there are 9 patients who all have Dementia, some also have other mental health problems too, all bar 3 cannot speak and can only make noises, a few are also blind from the progressive nature of the disease.  All of them are doubly incontinent and most of them need to be washed, fed and dressed, to say it is heartbreaking working there is an understatement; I have never felt so sad in a placement, but I am working hard and am proving myself, I am not afraid to get my hands dirty (literally).

Since day one I have been helping to get the patients up and out of bed and then washing them, changing their incontinence pads and getting them dressed before taking them to the dining room for breakfast. I have a 3yr old daughter so you would think I have done all this kind of thing and still do for her so would be used to it, but there is a massive difference to caring for a 3yr old in this way, then doing the same for someone who is the same age as my grandparents.  I have been constantly feeling so terrible for them, it is like they have no dignity left, and it does not matter how kind you are when helping them, you still have to help them do the most intimate things and they do have  an idea of what’s going on because you can see the distress in their faces.

Not one of the patients is happy about being helped with these things in the mornings, they get distressed and lash out and struggle, so you have to essentially hold them with a minimum of 2/3 people just to perform these basic tasks, I hate having to do this, because they want to do it themselves but they can’t. Then there is breakfast and lunch time, feeding people is not as easy as it sounds, I totally put myself in the place of the person, I take my time and wait properly for them to finish their food before giving them more, I give a sip of drink every few mouthfuls and I talk to them whilst feeding, I also do NOT shovel it in, like I have seen some people do, how can anyone think this is ok, im sure the patients appreciate my attitude when I feed them, they know they do not need to rush with me..

Another thing is the task of changing their pads, yep I have cleaned up poo and wee, I have had to essentially clean shit out from the bottoms of people 3 times my age, I did it with as much dignity as I could muster and never showed it bothered me, some people can be rough when they take a patient to the toilet before to see if they can go before putting a new pad on them, a nurse got slapped in the face yesterday, she was a little too rough trying to help the patient turn to sit on the toilet, yet, all the while I spoke to him calmly explaining what we wanted him to do and he looked and me and even though he wouldn’t do it, he kept hold of my hand and stared at me and I think he was grateful that I let him lead me and I didn’t force him, not long  after when sitting in the lounge with the patients he took my hand again and lead me round the living room and then sat down next to me, it was so sweet, I think he may have a soft spot for me.

I mean why should anyone like to be made to go to the toilet in front of someone else and do their business and then have a nappy strapped to them? I don’t blame him for lashing out. You just have to know how to treat people and understand their reactions.

Some of the patients can’t speak, can’t see, can’t do anything for themselves, they get up in the morning with help, have breakfast, lunch and dinner with help and then they spend their day either in the lounge, garden or room and that’s it for the day, I sit with them, talk to them, play music or watch tv with them and it seems like such a lonely existence, some of them get no visitors, because people just don’t care enough, it makes me feel so sad... Working here has made me realise how badly I do not want to get old and unwell, if you knew that this was your future how would it make you feel?!

I have been getting up at 5:15am starting work at 7:30am after travelling across the city in the dark and then working till either 3:30pm or 8:30pm then travelling home and spending some time with my daughter before I have some food and study until the early hours of the morning before starting it all again, I am tired, exhausted but I still want to do it, I am skint beyond belief and am behind in my rent by 4weeks, have no decent clothes as they are all old, I have been helped by some of the greatest women I have the pleasure of knowing who have sent me parcels of clothing for my daughter and myself to help me through the hard times, some have sent me shopping and gift cards for food and it had helped, but im still struggling, I try and be positive, but I carry the world on my shoulders and more. It would be nice to get more help from the people who should, but I don’t.

People think I am strong, but I am just good at pretending.. I have it down to a fine art these days..But there are days when I cry and think why me, then I try and remember there are people much worse off than me I have my health unlike the people I am caring for, unlike the people homeless on the streets with nothing and no-one. But yet it hurts and I feel so weak, yet I carry on. I long for the day when I am at the top of my game and not the bottom. Yes I go out and have a drink and let my hair down when my money arrives each month, if I didn’t I think I would end up having a breakdown as there is only so much a person can deal with day to day.

I think by the end of this placement it will help me to be a stronger person and I will come out the other end with experience and more compassion for other human beings that I ever think possible. But for now I will plod along doing what I am doing...