Reflecting....

Its been a fair while since i posted anything at all.. It's hard being motivated when you have a million and one things you should be doing, but doing none of them, being lazy is also quite hard work. I finished year one of uni and have been blissfully doing not much for about 11 weeks; great i hear you say, but with the menace of my 3yr old child about it has not been the peaceful break i would have envisaged.

I have to say i manage to live a fairly good student lifestyle for someone who is an older student and mother to one, the stress of being a mother alone is enough to make anyone have a drink, but couple that with a child who's energy holds no bounds and it's game on, soon as i get the chance when not with said child out comes the secret stash of alcohol and off i go to my *happy place* luckily i have a few close mates who are living an equally stressful life and so are always willing to partake in the odd beverage tasting..(or utter debauchery) But hey, if it don't kill you and all that malarkey?!

I have constant inner battles with myself on how i want my life to be, I'm either swimming in money or i am living hand to mouth, i never seem to have that fine balance that some people have down to a fine art..Why i cannot just be sensible i just don't know, but i get through life sometimes just by holding onto the seat of my pants. To be honest it can make it rather fun, or downright hair raising, either way i can't see it changing any time soon.

Before this nursey training i worked for 10yrs in a very well known London hospital, utterly miserable with my life hugely in debt and with no idea of how or what i wanted to do with my life..Was with a guy for a looong time and decided after spending my entire life saying i never ever wanted to have kids, suddenly thinking ah im 29 shit i need to have a child,. I had spent since the age of 18 going raving and to be honest living a lifestyle many would not be able to even comprehend, you name it i did it, starting on Friday night and not coming home till Sunday; even then it was under duress.

So anyway, i set out to get pregnant, took 2 months of 'hard work' and bob's you uncle and fanny's your aunty and next thing im up the duff... Next thing im being told at the 2nd scan, oh Miss you are having twins!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!! Well after picking my jaw off the floor and then having to tell said boyfriend outside that we was indeed not expecting one, but two... Then phoning parents in Australia and also telling them, well i spent the next few weeks thinking about how i was going to get through shop doorways etc with a double buggy...

3 months into pregnancy i suffered a really terrible miscarriage, i delivered on the toilet and bled so much i was blue lighted to hospital where i had to endure the most heartbreaking examinations.. Not an easy thing to deal with when its just a 'normal' check up; took a long time to get over that (if you ever really do 'get' over it) but you do move on. A year and a half later i am giving birth to this little rugrat i have in my life, and what a happy, annoying, naughty, cute thing she is (i can't say i have not threatened to put her back where she came from many times) but i love her squillions.

When i had her i stopped paying my debt over £30,000 of it, realised i was never going to be able to pay it back with the shit money i got from my job, decided to go back to work part time, anything so i didn't have to work a full week, not long after that i passed my driving test, first time i may add, and then was encouraged to go to college and do an access to nursing course, since i am now in the 30-35 age bracket it was a long time since i had been in formal education and i realised if i was going to even consider going to do anything with my life it had to start with going back to the basics and getting a diploma in higher education as my GCSE's of a life time ago were crap to be honest.

What spurred me on was the thought of how a nurse can make a difference in someone's life without even knowing it, when they are at their most vulnerable, and i wanted to be part of that special group of people who are able to make a difference. You see when i suffered my miscarriage there was a point when i was hysterical in an A&E side room with 3 nurses, i was unable to get my head round being examined by a male nurse down below whilst in this state of not only mental distress but physically in a state and drenched in blood. This other nurse came to my head side and held my hand explained why it was so important they do the unthinkable and go'down there' and said she would do it for me and that everything would be ok, she put her arms round me and for a moment the world stood still, she then did what she had to do while i covered my face with a pillow and cried with that strangled sound that you think only an animal could produce, all the while she spoke to me and was so kind.

For me, this was a defining moment in my life, for if it was not for this tiny interaction i am sure i would have lost my marbles, as at that time, i was crumbling and fast.. I thought to myself when i started college that if i could be like her and make just a tiny difference then to the person on the receiving end it could mean the world and more, and that for me is enough. I enrolled on my course and a year later with many distinctions and merits and also a fair few passes too i came out the other end with my diploma and also an offer of a place at 3 different universities. I will never forget that nurse, for sure she kept me from going under and i felt she really cared for me, and i was not just another patient who comes through the door one minute and leaves 4 hours later.

Now starting my 2nd year at uni i hope to continue the hard work i have put in during the 1st year, i surprised myself by getting a glowing report from every mentor i had on each placement and also really good grades all through my exams and assignments, my highest being a 3 which is the equivalent of a 2:1 grade for a 3000 word essay, the one of which i fretted and almost had a breakdown writing and was sure i would get a terrible grade. I managed to achieve this by pure determination, doing most of my work in the evenings and late into the early hours. I proved to myself i can do this if i put my mind to it (something my old high school teachers always said about me) and i want to do it more than anything.

This blog entry started without me even knowing what i was going to write or where it would end up, but i am quite proud of it, to be honest its been a little like therapy for me as well.. Even if it is never read by anyone other than myself, that's ok in retrospect i think i wrote it more for looking back on in the future and reminding myself when things get tough why i am doing what i am doing...

Life sure does have it's ups and downs its how you deal with them that counts.